he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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