Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
