he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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