Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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