I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
