When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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