I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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