I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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