Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
