he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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