Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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