my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
