I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
