Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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