Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
