ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
