I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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