I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.