All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.