I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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