I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
