I met the friendliest cop last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
