can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My hand turned me down
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
