My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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