i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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