i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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