I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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