2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
