Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
