OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
