ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
