Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
