Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
