Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
