Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
