you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I want a musical about memes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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