just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
