Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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