my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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