I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
