This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
