My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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