if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
