I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
