are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
