I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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