Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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