Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
