naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
that is very illegal...i love you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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