I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
