I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
two words...techno handjob
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
