I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize