I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
