do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
