he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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