what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
